Feedback & Review: GI Joe: Rise of Cobra

[Rockshield]

So the movie is out... there were many ups and downs that will appeal to each fan differently. Personally I found it to be very entertaining but at the same time the story got worse as the movie went on. What did you think?




My review:


G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra: Fun, entertaining, and complete b*llsh*t


Preamble

If you want to enjoy the movie, or even understand it, the first fact that you have to face is that the movie is a completely new, unrelated universe to anything we have seen before. The closest Joeverse that you could relate to would be Sigma 6, which was arguably the worst ever alternate universe ever created for GI Joe. YAY! Anyhow, if you take that into account, it's alot easier to follow and much more enjoyable.

The Good.

Action. Most of the vehicles shown in the movie are in constant firefights, and they are awesome. The action is almost non-stop and about 80% are really fun to watch. The fights reminded me of the old Sunbow cartoon, super-futuristic (not quite laser, but not that far away) and no one that mattered ever got killed. LOTS of destruction, but it was all "safe" (for both the good guys and the bad guys) and fun.

Duke. This version of Duke was easy to follow and for the most part a likable character. The only thing I thought was strange was that his name was "Duke" WAY before he had any knowledge of GI Joe. So it wasn't his Joe code name; it was more of his name that even his non-military girlfriend called him (in the flashbacks). Channing Tatum's acting, while not awesome, was NOT the worst performance of the movie.. and I was very happy about that.

Ripcord. Not NEARLY as annoying as I had originally heard. By the end of the movie you want to just shoot him and dump him out of the movie, but for the most part he's very acceptable and almost funny. Breaker is actually the funniest character in the movie.

Classic VISUAL Nods to the past. We see Breaker blowing bubblegum, we get to see the old number '99 (The Flagg). Unfortunately most of the old verbal nods just sounded stupid (knowing is half the battle, kung fu grip, real american hero), but when the Flagg appeared on the screen, it was like the climax of what any fan could want to see in a live action movie based on Joe.

Scarlett. She's hotter than hell. and I mean the hell that the Devil rules. She's THAT hot. Plus she gets ALOT of screen time.

Destro. He has the old accent that he should have, and he's not Evil, per se. I liked him.

Baroness. There is a real interesting twist with her character that seems like it came straight out of the comics. She's 100% good-guy in the movie.

Cobra Commander. His battle mask looks SO MUCH BETTER than his action figure version from the movie. His voice sounds cool (with the battle mask on).

Zartan. He is a character that gets very little development, but when he's on the screen he steals the show.

Snake Eyes. He kicked ass like nobody's business. Duke and Ripcord wearing their suits couldn't keep up with him. He was so bad ass even Storm Shadow couldn't handle him. The "Paris Pursuit" was awesome and probably the highlight of the movie.

Storm Shadow's jetpack. Looked cool and can't wait to get it as a toy. It looked NOTHING like the sigma 6 jetpack that came with the Storm Shadow Burger King toy.


The Bad.

Storm Shadow. They TRIED to write into the script that he somehow had some stealth skills, as he mentioned once to the Baroness that if he was spying on her, she would never know... but that's not the Storm Shadow that they showed. The guy couldn't hide from a blind and deaf dog. He also had no clue as to his surroundings, as Duke was able to just walk right up to him and hit him from IN FRONT, not behind... not sneaking up to him as he crawled... he just walked right up to Stormy, who was oblivious yo his presence, and hit him. Furthermore, although they re-created the death of (who you would assume was the Hard master, though he was never called that) in a fashion like the comics (were Storm Shadow gets the blame, but maybe there is some explanation that comes out later) Storm Shadow seems pretty bad. He seems to kill with no honor, even though he refuses to kill women (A source of contention between he and Zartan).

Heavy Duty. Take out your freaking gay earing already! soldiers do not wear BIG GOUDY EARINGS in war! He would have been a good character in the movie, but you never see him without this huge, freaking earing swinging down from his left ear. He constantly reminded the viewer that whoever wrote the character had no clue how as to what he was doing.

Special Effects. Although most of the action of the movie looked good, the CGI was about as bad as it could be. There was a scene with the Baroness hitting Duke with the case that looked straight out of Shrek. Seriously. Also, there was a point in th ebegining of the movie when Apache helicopters were flying overhead. Once they went by, they were clearly toy copters and not the real thing. It reminded me of the old Enterprise model used in the very original Star Trek series.

Larry Hama. He was supposed to have a cameo in the movie as a NATO general at the begining of the movie. Although we get to see a huge group of generals and representatives in the backround, Larry never actually gets shown (at least as far as I could tell).

The Arashikage Clan. the hexagram was on both Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow's swords, and on Snake Eyes shoulder, but they are never explained. No mention of a ninja clan. We get flashbacks of Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow training, but for all we know, it could be a kung fu studio.

Cobra Commander. Prior to his battle helmet, we get what looks like Keanu Reeves head on a broomstick. No I'm not exaggerating. He looks THAT bad. His voice is good, his character seems like it fits in the new Joeverse... but damn does he look bad prior to his ascension to power.

Classic VERBAL nods. They all sounded really bad and corny. Knowing is half the battle. Kung fu grip. Real american heros. They were all written into the story like they had to be there, but like they had no place in it. The writers.. uh... really sucked at this part too.

Destro's mask at the end of the film. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Snake Eyes. In the comics his character is developed through stories of self sacrifice. In this movie, all we know is that he's an orphan who's master was murdered. That's it. no character development whatsoever.

Love affairs. We saw the Baroness make out with 3 different guys. Ripcord tried to explain the less-than-finer points of attraction. Destro gets jealous of anyone who is in the same country as the Baroness. Rex Lewis loved his sister but would kill her at the touch of a button as a hostage. The emotions of the characters were all over the place and at times made no sense. It was more proof that the writers behind the characters should have to go back to elementary school.

Norton Security. Now, there wasn't too much product placement in the movie, and I understood it when it appeared on the screen, because it was part of the movie deals. But when Norton Security appeared on the screen I just laughed out loud in the theater. There is a part when Rex Lewis, a scientific genius, hooks up a flash drive to a lad computer and tried to upload information from a top secret, super advanced "bad-guy" group. THEN Norton anti-virus pops up. What the hell? Anti-virus doesn't pop up with you're uploading something from your computer to your drive. It happens when you're DOWNLOADING something to your computer. Also, what super advanced group would be using Norton? Norton is the AOL of anti-virus; it comes free with your computer as spamware. It was just a joke that brought down the believability of the movie.

The Ugly

Snake Eyes - Scarlett - Ripcord. Yeah I have to go there. This was the absolute worst rendition of Scarlett ever created in any Joeverse. She's a genuis with no common sense. Idiot Ripcord is able to impress her with his superficial comedy and sheer lack of I.Q. The only way Ripcord gets into G.I. Joe is by averaging his marks with Duke (seriously). At the begining of the movie it is made clear that Scarlett is with Snake Eyes. It is ALSO made clear by the end of the movie that she has switched to Ripcord. Why? because he's an idiot who can shoot warheads out of the sky. That's all he brings to the movie. As his character wins over Scarlett over the course of the movie, the movie goes from fun and entertaining to sickening and pathetic.

Hawk. WOW. When did Dennis Quaid get to be so bad an actor? It may have been the writing, or it may have been Quaid's acting, but he was terrible. He was worthy of a razzie award hands down. He actually made Channing Tatum and Marlon Wayans look good. I was really disappointed because I have liked most of what Quaid has done in his career.

Snake Eyes vs Storm Shadow. Of course they had to throw the classic battle in there. But this time, they make Snake Eyes kill Storm Shadow. Great idea in case there's a sequal. Let's throw away the only bad guy who can get away from Snake Eyes in the first movie, like resolute. Stupid writers.

Lack of Respect. There was so much they could have down with the storyline without trying to take a crap on everything that should have been considered "sacred" or written in stone. The Destro/Baroness love relationship should never have been messed with. (Destro is like a stalker obsessed with a girl who doesn't love him so he practically rapes he with the help of her brother and technology). Snake Eyes and Scarlett get crapped on. Almost anything else could have been changed and it would have been okay. But somethings should have been held sacred.

Overall, if we could digitally remove all of Marlon Wayans appearances, I would totally enjoy the movie and give it a 7.

[Rockshield]

So I saw the movie a second time within 24 hours and had to add this thought:

The new "Breaker" really stole the show in the scenes that he was in. I found myself wanting more scenes with him... just like I did with Zartan. They were the lesser used stars of the movie.

Also, the movie seemed like it was setting us up for a possible tribute back to issue #27.... Storm Shadow did not kill the Hard Master, as is proven when he says "when our Master was murdered" and not "When I killed our Master".... and he was seen running from the dead body like issue #26. The last link to this thought is the fact that Storm Shadow hated Zartan in the movie, and even threatened to kill him. In a sequel, we may actually see the "real" Storm Shadow be cleared of his suspected misdeed and reunited with Snake Eyes.

On the flip side, Storm Shadow revealed his innocence to Snake Eyes the first chance he got... but in the movie they made the two Arashikage brothers fight to the death... very un-comic like.